You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
