i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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