Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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