I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
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Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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