dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
