She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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