we have officially lost it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
