If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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