also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
