OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
