my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
