I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
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I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
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I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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