Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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