Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
