woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
