My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
