I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
