Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
