if you like me you must not know who I am
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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