Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
