Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
