I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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