therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
