I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Come on in and take your pants off
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