420 ftw
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
