i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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