I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
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I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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