i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
