Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
they need to just BURY HIM!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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