no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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