Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
