I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
