now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
