when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
