Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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