Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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