headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
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The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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