How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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