i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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