i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
