Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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