onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
