Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
