if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
