I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
