My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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