I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
