He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
