Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
