I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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