At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
