Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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