dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
where are my eyebrows?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
