I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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