Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
