So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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