ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
