Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
