my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
