Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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