so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
