Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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