Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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